so when it came time to fight
I heard from one of my professors yesterday that she has been in university for 11 years; still is still pursuing her post-doc. A post-doctoral degree doesn’t seem to match my fancy, but the elapsed time had a sting to it. It is not difficult to imagine myself working on a Master’s and then Ph.D. for another 5 years, anything beyond that is somewhat unlikely.
My roommate and I had a long conversation after he announced that he is likely to leave Virginia Tech a year earlier than expected. Finding another roommate or paying the second half of the rent is not a concern to me. What does concern me is how I have thus far been isolated from the discomfort of seeing friends leave Blacksburg. When more people begin to make their departure clear, I will have to exercise my thusfar sickly tactics for detaching myself from good friends.
Typically, I am able to do so with some extensive internal buffeting and depression. In a year or two, I will need to find better ways of handling this. Some people are far better at saying goodbye to friends than I am, potentially most people are very capable. However, I tend to have a handful of very close friends and then a vast periphery of people I speak to regularly through occasionally. I can recall how difficult it was for me to send Jeremiah off to Boston with my best wishes, when we once shared high school lunch after lunch talking and then spending a lot of weekend time working with that LiveWire radio show. The following year of my life was very incomplete, despite having a regular crew to still share a lunch with.
The habit of taking on true confidants, perhaps, separates me from most. I never use the term “buddies” or “guys” when talking about my friends - in each case of reference, I will mention my friends by name. So what if they are few? They are the people I would go to for anything and I am just as readily available for them as well. And not only could we rely on each other, I adamantly believe that we would do so willingly and genuinely. I hate superfluous relationships or friendships and tend to just dissociate with people who were first friends of mine but later became distant. Cut from address book. Cut from buddy list. Cut from facebook.
My best friends earn a true and distinctive place in how I mentally order the people I know. It’s as if they are permanent physical landmarks to my worldview whereas acquaintances are merely shades and textures to that landscape. But, when a best friend moves on, it is very hard for me to depreciate that friendship to a grassy knoll where once stood an oak, if you’ll allow me to continue the metaphor. I am terrible at long-distance communication when I don’t put direct effort into the job; breaking off with best friends usually means total detachment, save for a yearly visit or all-out reunion.
Regularity. I never seem to maintain social regularity. It’s possibly because I rely on geographical proximity to do the job for me. There’s nothing I value more than sitting down and talking with someone. Technology can not replace interaction. Being here at university for so many years shamefully requires me to find new interaction to replace the old. Something regular would be wonderful.
September 12th, 2007 at 4:22 pm
Ryan, I envy you for being so open with your feelings, particularly in a public forum as this. It’s very rare to see someone post something so genuine and heartfelt. I struggle with the same issues everyday. Reading this post inspired me to set aside some time to call family and friends. It’s frustrating how we often tend to overlook some of the more important things in life that really count.
September 12th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
Being quite transient in the past 5 years, I too have felt this post. I get into a groove where I love the people I’m with and everything being with them means.
We’re still friends and we still care about each other. The lack of daily interaction doesn’t diminish that and yet something is different. I think it’s mostly no longer having the common reference to every small joy and pain in each other’s lives.
I find it especially hard now being in a completely new city and no environment (like school) where people want to make friends. It seems that most people who want to meet me in LA either want to date me or use me for something.
September 12th, 2007 at 9:45 pm
Armen - I envy your ability to talk on the phone. I don’t hate using the phone, but anything short of sitting down with someone has this insufficient layer upon it that I can never shake off. I really require to look into someone’s eyes to communicate with them. As soon as a technological fix becomes necessary for regular communication, I pretty much detach.
Jeremiah - Except for you. You are truly one of my closest friends and, just as you say, when we meet back up, though very infrequent, it is almost like old times. You breakdown of the difference is perfect. We can no longer have the true connection we once shared as friends, but, instead, replace that with catching up and trying to relay our entire life experiences to each other in a uncomfortably brief time. On another note, you should start using the people in LA - show them who’s boss!