but i promised
I suppose if this were a video blog, you’d see my many-days-unshaven face, slightly exhausted persona, and certainly weakened disposition. Despite that, the past three days have been great and crunchy on the outside and full of gooey not-so-awesome stress on the inside. It’s an awkard duality, one I appreciate but also one that truly, truly stresses me. (Facing a bad moment after another bad moment is alright to a certain extent, but facing a bad moment after a crucial jovial moment is tough to maneuver).
For example. As an easy segue, vtmug had a drillfield table again today. It was super relaxing and full of mild weather - even just the conversation about Apple is pleasant. Plus, I got to play with a newborn golden retriever that was shorter than the length of my shoe. However, to get to those fantastic moments, I had to stay up late to finish a flyer for an event we have scheduled for next Monday. And I also had to keep in mind that by hanging out with my friends, I was losing precious time on other coursework activities, particularly a pre-lab. That’s frustrating to think about, even more so when it came to mind while enjoying my time on the drillfield.
Or another polar frustration. After Tuesday’s class, I spoke to my acoustics professor about research once again. I informed him of the contacts I had made to get paperwork-relate tems rolling. While we walked to his office and discussed research stuff, he said, “by the way, I think you got a 95 on the test [midterm]” in his Argentinian accent. That made me feel amazing, and it was, to some degree, an affirmation that I am heading in the proper direction by pursuing this specific area. Then, later in our talk, he said he would likely be able to offer me some research opening but then asked me what I wanted to do. Not only was I speechless, but I was utterly disappointed I had no response. All of this time in contemplation, I had expected to just hop onto an existing project; I had no prior expectation or perception that I literally get to start my own specific ryanharne research. I had nothing to reply back to him with, so I said I would think about it.
It was another hideous example of satisfaction and exasperation within one fell swoop.
I only scrape at the many onion-layers of this duality I have been experiencing lately. Some of them are easier to handle and some really hurt to deal with. I don’t ask for a middle ground. I ask for endurance.
A middle ground would eventually put me into a drab complacency. The endurance keeps me alive and freshly focused for potential opportunities that will knock at my door.
Oh. I promised some friends I would be a Macintosh Classic for Halloween and I am going to keep that promise, even if I have to pay for the cardboard. The best part will be a group RA-related presentation that evening.