listen! an old man is speaking
Let me tell you a tale of great honor; violent war; and deep, chivalrous love. There has never been more cause to pay attention, so put down your mortal distractions and lend an ear. This is the story of how Ryan tamed the Netgear beast.
Thousands and thousands of seconds ago, there was a land in the Forest that was under a horrible spell. Cursed by geographical misfortune, the townsfolk were all constrained to getting their high-speed internet connection from one source each terribly far from their home. The walk was a great struggle; nearly three thousand centimeters separated the farthest hard-working peasant from an endless supply of websites and downloads.
In an effort to ease this discomfort, the king of the land hired a helping hand, that was well heard of, to magically distribute the internet to each peasant. Initially, the towns people rejoiced at this asset to the community; all of the people reveled in their freedom to access global storehouses of information. There was great cause for celebration.
However, the power of controlling such access soon warped the goodness of this “helping hand.” It wasn’t long until he began adding restrictions onto the peasants as to what websites they could access and the duration of their accessibility. A burden was forming over the peasants’ shoulders, a great burden; the peasants complained to their king that now they were more miserable than before this helping hand ever arrived.
Meanwhile, this helping hand had turned into a great beast so people were afraid to approach his door. Why the change, you ask? …Because. And people started calling him “the Netgear beast.” Just deal with these amendments, please.
In response to the turmoil, the king made a decree that anyone who could slay the Netgear beast would receive eternal honor and… golden… supreme… chocolates. Honor and Golden Supreme Chocolates! This decree was posted all throughout the kingdom, I mean land… I mean town.
Early one morning, a brave and honest lad named Ryan – for all of our notable heroes of times past were equally named thus - noticed one of the decrees had been posted just nearby his thatched-roof cottage. After reading it - because everyone in the kingdom had participated in an intensive Hooked On Phonics program after a study showed increasing illiteracy in small town-kingdom-lands – he set off to the king’s castle to announce his decision to slay this Netgear beast.
The king welcomed him and was delighted to hear of his decision. Ryan left the king’s court and headed straight for the house of the Netgear beast.
Meanwhile, since the helping hand had turned into a beast, his house had also been re-named a “lair” that was “dangerous,” “swamp-like” and “uninviting.” These should be noted with regard.
So blah, blah, Ryan went to the Netgear beast’s lair and there he slay him with powerful, swift and amazing slaying moves.
He returned to the king’s castle where he received Honor and Golden Supreme Chocolates. And the peasants all loved Ryan forevermore, because I had mentioned something about love at the beginning of the tale.
The End.
::shudder::
Do whatever you can to keep me away from Creative Writing classes. Please.