suitable
I have no idea of how to say this.
Last night I had a conversation with Rianna before the JE concert, and one of her comments kind of went unnoticed and forgotten by me. She was mentioning something about how great it would be to live on some remote island by herself without having to deal with ‘circumstances’ and ‘issues’ that other people bring into our lives. Now I know what she meant.
Today was a significant day for some, others is passed by unnoticed. It was a momentous occasion for a few and benign to the rest. To me, I truly had a breath-taking revelation (not to be ‘all high and mighty’ but I just realized something and it hit me so forcefully). I began to understand the complete futility of my life. That I live for no more than another day. Not another chance, but just another existence. Sure I have those in my life that I consider friends and I have relationships with people that are very encouraging both ways, but if I totally become honest I’m just living for myself. And this will sound weird but I know when and where I started to think like this. It was immediately after I watched About A Boy for the first time. Right after I viewed that great movie, I adopted, Hugh Grant’s character, Will’s mindset about life which is along the lines of, ‘let me be myself and live on my own and I’ll be just fine.’ So I started backing away from many things I was involved in at the time, and I just started trying new things within this town etc etc. I unconsciously became very angry at people and at the things I was dealing with in my life. Cutting straight to the point, I began to become ‘Will’ from the movie. Living for nothing, just…to live. Now that I’ve narrowed myself in a corner with this epiphany, I feel so crappy. I am the one to hate. I have lost feeling of life and of existence. It’s almost as if I have succeed, if you even want to call it that, at becoming all flesh and no soul.
Nevertheless, I feel dramatically ashamed at this state I’m in. I’m not one to mope about in sorrow and dismay so I’ve realized that my course and life from this moment must to be to find a solution: a meaning to my world. This may sound like a secular viewpoint, but I see it as something that anyone can talk hold of and put to action. Admittedly there are many Christians who have no grasp for really living, life to them is just another breath away.
So consider this my Point Of Inflection. I’m halfway up the wall; I could come back down and travel the same distance I would if I climbed to the top, but it won’t be nearly as exhilarating.
I am Ryan Harne. This is the story of my life. This is RyanHarne.com.